My Mirror No Longer Reflects.

twistedadidas @ 2007-02-19T13:40:00

2007-02-19T18:39:07Z

always remember.

2007-02-13T16:51:28Z

"It's our struggles that define us
And the hardships we endure
Your spirit can't be broken now
You've come too far

You're spirit can't be broken,
You're spirit can't be broken,
You're spirit can't be broken,
It's who you are

You are one but you're never alone"

twistedadidas @ 2007-02-03T17:54:00

2007-02-03T22:53:16Z

i just hate letting someone down.

i think i just have a problem with letting things go. i can never do that. its just really hard. i feel like i have to get my point or my feelings across and i never shut my mouth which gets me into messes.

im just really down about this because i have to do what i did last year to deal with it and i know i might do something or say something (not intentionally) that will just be worse. i find myself doing and falling on the same mistakes and its so frustrating for people who care about me and it's really frustrating for me as well. and so the best situation is just to not talk at all and hope things don't turn that bad. i have to build up trust again. and that takes time.

twistedadidas @ 2007-02-03T03:12:00

2007-02-03T08:11:44Z

pan's labrynith was such an amazing movie.

twistedadidas @ 2007-02-02T08:07:00

2007-02-02T13:08:44Z

i drank last night and it was enjoyable. feels like i haven't drank anything in like forever.

heinenken costs too much though. i need to buy a mixer and a mix drinks book or something so i can learn how to make all different kind of stuff. i think the only thing i would be wary of is martini's cuz the last time i had those i was sick and in the bathroom all night. ugh martini's.

twistedadidas @ 2007-01-30T10:03:00

2007-01-30T16:20:22Z

its like last year all over again. exactly what i feared and wondered about seems like it might happen again. alot of my friends told me i would get hurt again. and to be honest, its my fault for bringing back my feelings. i should of just been her friend and nothing more because that's all she wants. thats exactly how i started it when we started talking again too. i should of just took things slowly being a friend and only thought (not ever mentioning or bringing up) about someday in the future, maybe we'll get a second chance. i put my feelings behind me and they eventually came back because i care about her and that's just the way i am. but i have to feel low because of it now.

i feel like i will never get back what i had, friend or something more. she will always look at me different now and will never realize just how bad i would go out of my way to do things for her. i'm worried she might keep her distance from me and never let me in and never let me be a close friend becuase of what happened last night. and that just sucks and im allowed to feel this way. i have feelings too and if she really cares about me like she say's, she'll realize it. all i wanted to do was just be nice and sweet and it wasn't good enough. i never meant to smother you and i wouldn't force you or push you into anything. dont' think im going to do that if we remain friends.

she's a close and personal friend and i don't want to lose that because of my feelings. i got over it before, i obviously can do it again but i don't want to become some random friend to call or hang out with every 3 months. im not asking to call and hang out everyday either. i'd do anything for her yet i feel like im doing something wrong becuase of it. who wouldn't want someone in your life who would honestly do anything for you? all i ask in return now is that our friendship doesn't get jeopordized like last time and to just care about me like a close friend. in your letter, you apologized for everything that happened and blamed yourself. it was both of our faults. that letter meant something to me, it meant alot and even though you wrote it in august, you still gave it to me now so i thought that meant something. regardless of things "changing" you still wrote it. I remember when you were hurt in december, you kept blaming yourself for your past relationships and that hurt me because i know you didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve it and i hate it when your hurt. But when im hurt, i just feel like its differnet. i tried to be there for you. and i will continue to be there for you. i hope you utilize it. You've said when you thought you were in a "trial" period with me that you didn't want to make any mistakes and fuck up. You said this. Not me. And you said this, not even a month ago. So now, since "things" have changed, do you still mean that? all that meant something to me but now i feel like you might want to push me away again, and i don't want that to happen...

its just not fun when someone you care about calls you childish and boring because they don't talk about feelings. Her opinion of me matters so much but when shit like that happens and i get talked too like that, i get hurt, im only human. thats what happens. You were hurt in december and i was there for you. i would never say or do anything intentionally to hurt your feelings. i was always there for you when you said you'll always be alone and every boy is the same to you. well that is how im feeling now becuase every girl i care about and like never winds up feeling the same. its the story of my life.

i don't want what happened last year to happen again, so im dropping this. im not going to talk about it in my journal again but this is the only way i can express myself and sometimes the only way to get through to someone when there mad or upset with me.

im going to put behind all my feelings for you. im sacrificing a part of who i am for our friendship. all i wanted was for you to be happy regardless of how im feeling and i hope you are and i hope you can at least see me for the close friend that i can be. but that's in your hands, not mine.

twistedadidas @ 2007-01-29T21:44:00

2007-01-30T02:43:16Z

it was just a sweet gestrue.
it wasn't meant to smother.
that's all.

i don't have anything left to give.
i give second and third chances but no one ever gives me a second chance.
ill never get why.

twistedadidas @ 2007-01-13T18:33:00

2007-01-13T23:32:16Z

yeah im alive.
and alot has happened in the past two months.
really good.
and some not so good.

right now i feel like i don't have it in me to write it down. maybe next time.

i really want a girlfriend. someone to truely care about me.
i really feel like im back at that point where im ready for a relatinoship. but i just don't want anyone. i want someone specfic and im going to try to let things happen and take things slow but im worried about getting hurt. but after all it was my fault to begin with and its hard for me to not blame myself all the time.

and i really feel like i could give someone my all. after everything ive been through with girls, don't i deserve it? ive been hurt too many times and i fucked up the best thing that could of happened to me last year.

For once, why can't i catch a break?

I'm trying my hardest to be different, to have changed, to not mess anything up. But will it be good enough? Will i get a second chance? i feel so strongly that i do deserve it and i won't let anyone down again. I don't care what anybody else thinks, this is what i want.

No one really equals the one thats always on my mind.

twistedadidas @ 2007-01-05T12:04:00

2007-01-05T17:04:36Z

From here to eternity we begin understanding
From here to eternity

I see who you are and who else can compare
I meant what I said, I promised to stand by your side

Until the end, that's where we begin
Until the end, that's where we begin

From here to eternity we begin understanding

It is our hearts that define what has meaning in life
Some will ask how can this be
But it was you who made me feel

From here to eternity we begin understanding

Until the end, that's where we begin
Until the end, that's where we begin

Until the end, that's where we begin
Until the end, that's where we begin

twistedadidas @ 2007-01-05T11:16:00

2007-01-05T16:17:00Z

i'm going to try my best to start 2007 off right.
and to show the people that mean alot to me that i care about them.

twistedadidas @ 2006-11-29T21:35:00

2006-11-30T02:34:42Z

death is the road to awe.

twistedadidas @ 2006-11-19T23:32:00

2006-11-20T04:32:27Z

</a>

The Trinity in Full Force!!!!

twistedadidas @ 2006-11-15T00:02:00

2006-11-15T05:01:50Z

im starting to feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone.

maybe i never deserved it.

i don't know. it kinda hurts.

i can have all the friends in the world and as much as they mean something, there is still that hole of me being alone and i can't blame anyone but myself and i put myself down for it everyday.

i can't wait for the day when i can let go of this.

twistedadidas @ 2006-11-14T14:08:00

2006-11-14T19:08:04Z

</p></p>

br />

That is what my co-workers/friends do when im at hawaii.

yay mtv home entertainment!

haha.

twistedadidas @ 2006-11-02T00:05:00

2006-11-02T05:05:07Z

ok so im leaving tomorow morning for hawaii.

wish me a good and safe safe safe trip, haha. i hope its a good trip.

im also getting alittle pissed at LOST. don't know how i feel about that.

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-23T18:13:00

2006-10-23T22:14:03Z

im going to hawaii on november 2nd because of Work.
yea my job is amazing.
ill be away at least a week i think.

I really want to track down where they shoot LOST.

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-22T01:32:00

2006-10-22T05:31:53Z

i don't think im ever going to truely be happy. or ever satisfied with who i am. its always half and half some things are really going great for me. other things are just shit. im just unhappy and i don't know what to do. i can't get over certain things and i don't know why. im putting myself down too much and blaming myself for everything.

i honestly want to be completely selfless. i want to be an important person to someone. i just don't really feel like i am. people are happy without me in their lives and i have to wonder what i mean to anyone. so many people around me seemingly have that one person that feels important because of them.

i want to make someone feel important. i want to feel important to someone as well.

i don't know why things are so difficult and hard for me. im never going to forgive myself for the past. and i just know im never truely going to get over certain things. i wish i knew why i was like this. i wish i could just let go. i have to learn to be happy for other people. i have to be completley selfless and just try to give everything i have and can offer to other people. my friends, family, and god.

i feel like im going to be alone for the rest of my life and it honestly scares me so much. its the one thing i dread and fear the most, other than dying.

i would of been happy. i could of been happier at least. but i blew it.

i need to stop fucking shit up and realizing what matters in life.

it just amazes me how i can have a couple of great days and then go back to feeling like complete garbage the next day. complete 180 with me.

and then i wonder, am i weak for writing this? am i a weak person becuase i post on this, letting certain people see it and read it. will people hate or put me down even more because of my weaknesses?

i just don't know. my entire life i felt weak. physically and mentally and im sick of it.

im not the same person that i felt i was and it makes me sick. i hate it so much. im trying hard to change things about me, to change my mindset and my attittude, the way i think, the way i handle myself, just everything overall. i feel like i make some breakthrough then other days i feel like i don't. i feel nothing.

when it comes to girls and being with someone, the bottom line is, i just don't trust anyone. i honestly don't trust a single girl with my feelings. and i feel like i can't relate to any of them. im not like most guys either. i don't really do the typical bar club thing or anything else for that matter. ive been pushing people away the last 2 years. the only girl i ever trusted hates my guts and is happy without me. but to be honest ill suffer as much as i could if i knew she was truely happy. im tired of feeling like im selfish and from now on im just going to try to put other people ahead of me and my own needs. things will have to work out.

i just wish i knew the right path to take but i guess thats the whole point of life. you have to figure it out for youself, you have to make your mistakes and learn from them. i have to pick myself up after i fall, and keep picking myself up, and never quit.

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-14T20:01:00

2006-10-15T00:00:35Z

i honestly feel like im going to be alone for a while now. and this is something i just have to deal with, get over it and handle. theres nothing i can really do about it. it seems like everyone around me, is happy in a relationship and has someone that really makes them happy.

i just wish i had that. but i guess its too much to ask for. i just can't get over the fact that i'm 23 and barely know what a real relationship is like. it just puts me down sometimes, that's all.

i wish i had someone that i could make happy.
it would be nice.

i just have too much trouble with girls. i just don't know how to pick the right ones, i don't know what im doing and if i do, i'll just fuck it up.

all i can say is oh well. i can't force things my direction or my way. i just have to go with the flow. try to focus on something else. i just put too much emphasis on this and i don't know why.

it all boils down to love. and its one of the most important things i wish i can have.

and all i can say to one specific person is that i'm sorry i let you down. and im sorry if you thought i was an asshole, or not a good kid. and this isn't the typical im sorry because im honestly done with taking the blame for everything. everything is not my fault and it will never truely be 100 percent my fault but it doesn't mean i don't know what mistake's ive made this year. i just need to need what to do to move foward and be a better person.

i don't want to be like that. even though i felt i got like that in a certain point this year. everyone seems happy without me in their life, and i guess its just for the better.

no matter how much i get hurt by other girls or certain girls, i just want to be the nice, sweet boy.

best day ever - birthday!

2006-10-10T15:46:17Z

So, my birthday was honestly one of the best day's i've ever had in long long time. I really had so much fun and have everyone at my job to thank for it. To be honest, i didn't get the one thing i really really wanted, which was to just get a hello and a happy birthday from one specific person. All i wanted was a hi and maybe a happy birthday and it would of been the best ever. i guess i don't even deserve a happy birthday. either way, i still miss this person.

Anyway, the day was really good because after work, basically my entire department came out for drinks. My boss even skipped some AOL party thing to come out drinking, and everything thought he was going to leave after the first bar, but came out to the second afterwords. We went to harmoney view, across from our building at 1633 Broadway. then after that, we went to Fiddlesticks around 14th street. So many people from work were there. Everyone was telling me how much im liked becuase they've never seen so many people come out for one person. that made me feel so good. I remember my boss telling me that and me being drunk just saying "I just want to work and learn, thats all i want to do!" haha.

I know it was a good day and a good night because i didn't whine or complain once about any issue or any girl related problem ever. And when i get drunk i usually whine and get depressed, but this wasn't the case. I can honeslty say i just let loose and had fun. Although i don't know if drinking with your coworkers is a good thing, but who cares, i consider them friends and they drank too. Especially Jaime! ahhah. Me and her got so drunk that we were not coming back to Staten Island so we stayed at Heather and Elisa's Apartment. Heather works in Legal in MTV. Its so awesome because she's literally two blocks away from work. So me and jaime strolled out of bed at like 10:30 and went to work 5 minutes later. It was a fun night. Here are some pictures:

***And note: Contratary to belief, these girls in the pics are my friends from work so nothing is going on. i didn't hook up nor wanted too with anyone.
MTV Home Entertainment!

Rob, Jaime, Me, Joanne
Michelle, Mindy, Me, Alex, Joanne, Emily
Me, Jordan, and Rob
Heather, Me, Elisa
Mindy, Me, Shannon
Me and Shannon

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-05T10:44:00

2006-10-05T14:45:57Z

its my birthday, yay.
lets hope its a good one.

i can safely say i only wish for one thing to get for today. and its not a physical gift or anything like that.

hope to have fun tonight with coworkers/friends.

then tomorrow im going to outback with friends. and hopefully by the end of the weekend i'll go see The Departed because that movie is going to be awesome.

everyone have a good day

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-04T23:27:00

2006-10-05T03:27:26Z

i really don't know how i feel about the season premiere of LOST. most of my friends who came over tonight, hated it. and now im really worried. they cannot let this show get ruined. ugh, that would just be horrible and such a waste of one of the best things on television i have ever seen. The first two season's were incredible. ohh mannn..

twistedadidas @ 2006-10-04T13:24:00

2006-10-04T17:46:17Z

i honestly have not felt more worthless and weak then i do right at this moment. and its not what everyone think's its about. its not girl related at all. its work and just life related.

Every since my two projects were done, Wild n Out 2 and 8th & Ocean, its been slow around work for me. And apprently its normal. I want to be more involved and do more work. I'm working on some other stuff now, like Run's House, but i feel like i have completely been sucking. I've been messing up stuff, and i feel like im dropping the ball and letting certain people down. Granted they might be little stuff, but it adds up. And if it keeps adding up, people are going to say "we can't trust chris with doing this". Stuff like that.

I honestly find myself at a lost for words and stumbling over what i have to say when i call certain people outside of my department. Like theres no way, i feel, like im going to be able to produce my own DVDs, or get promoted to an Associate Producer. You have to know how to handle yourself, how to handle tough situations, time crunching situations and urgent situations. I feel like i would drop the ball on these issues. there's two other PA's, who i feel already have surpassed me and i was here before them. There both good so its not like there lazy or anything, but it just gets me frustrated at myself. It just feels like one thing after the other, i am fucking up. And its happening literally every 5 minutes, one after the other. its like what's wrong with me?

Maybe im honestly just not ready. I just don't want to be held down by myself. I should be able to do this and handle things but i honestly feel completely naive, worthless and weak. Or maybe im just focusing too much on being perfect and awesome around here. Maybe im just rushing things and need to put alittle more effort or time into certain stuff. i really don't know.

And regarding life stuff, is so blah right now. I honestly feel like im a horrible person. i feel like im not good at all. That im selfish and not caring. I feel so much anger and haterd in me and i want it to go away. I feel like i let God down so many times. I need to start going to Church more beccause i honestly believe it will help me and calm me down. I feel like i don't deserve anything good to happen to me. It just doesn't take killing another person to go to hell or to be a horrible person. There's other things. And i let myself down and regretted so much this past year.

I feel like i changed when my godmother died last year. Like that is the exact moment when i started making bad decisions and started doing stuff that was just not me. She died just after the cruise to Bermuda. When things were good. Now everything, even where i live, is different.

So why should i even deserve a good girl to care about me? Why do i even deserve for me to make movies? Those are the only two things i honestly want in life, for my future. Film and Love. I just feel like im not destined for either of them. And thats a miserable life. And i don't want that.

i have to change. i can't let anyone down again. I let so many people down. especially this year and im so sorry. You know who you are. i can't let my parents down. i can't let my friends down. I can't let God down. And i can't let myself down.

twistedadidas @ 2006-09-26T14:29:00

2006-09-26T18:29:44Z

"In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had 500 years of peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

twistedadidas @ 2006-09-25T11:02:00

2006-09-25T15:03:03Z

It was your innocence
It was part of who you were
It was your innocence
It was the comfort of a friend

twistedadidas @ 2006-09-24T13:23:00

2006-09-24T17:22:54Z

some people will just never change.
will just never compromise.
will never forgive.

im gonna make it my goal to never be like that.