November 29th, 2006
death is the road to awe.
November 19th, 2006
The Trinity in Full Force!!!!
November 15th, 2006
im starting to feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone.
maybe i never deserved it.
i don't know. it kinda hurts.
i can have all the friends in the world and as much as they mean something, there is still that hole of me being alone and i can't blame anyone but myself and i put myself down for it everyday.
i can't wait for the day when i can let go of this.
November 14th, 2006
That is what my co-workers/friends do when im at hawaii.
yay mtv home entertainment!
November 2nd, 2006
ok so im leaving tomorow morning for hawaii.
wish me a good and safe safe safe trip, haha. i hope its a good trip.
im also getting alittle pissed at LOST. don't know how i feel about that.
October 23rd, 2006
im going to hawaii on november 2nd because of Work.
yea my job is amazing.
ill be away at least a week i think.
I really want to track down where they shoot LOST.
October 22nd, 2006
i don't think im ever going to truely be happy. or ever satisfied with who i am. its always half and half some things are really going great for me. other things are just shit. im just unhappy and i don't know what to do. i can't get over certain things and i don't know why. im putting myself down too much and blaming myself for everything.
i honestly want to be completely selfless. i want to be an important person to someone. i just don't really feel like i am. people are happy without me in their lives and i have to wonder what i mean to anyone. so many people around me seemingly have that one person that feels important because of them.
i want to make someone feel important. i want to feel important to someone as well.
i don't know why things are so difficult and hard for me. im never going to forgive myself for the past. and i just know im never truely going to get over certain things. i wish i knew why i was like this. i wish i could just let go. i have to learn to be happy for other people. i have to be completley selfless and just try to give everything i have and can offer to other people. my friends, family, and god.
i feel like im going to be alone for the rest of my life and it honestly scares me so much. its the one thing i dread and fear the most, other than dying.
i would of been happy. i could of been happier at least. but i blew it.
i need to stop fucking shit up and realizing what matters in life.
it just amazes me how i can have a couple of great days and then go back to feeling like complete garbage the next day. complete 180 with me.
and then i wonder, am i weak for writing this? am i a weak person becuase i post on this, letting certain people see it and read it. will people hate or put me down even more because of my weaknesses?
i just don't know. my entire life i felt weak. physically and mentally and im sick of it.
im not the same person that i felt i was and it makes me sick. i hate it so much. im trying hard to change things about me, to change my mindset and my attittude, the way i think, the way i handle myself, just everything overall. i feel like i make some breakthrough then other days i feel like i don't. i feel nothing.
when it comes to girls and being with someone, the bottom line is, i just don't trust anyone. i honestly don't trust a single girl with my feelings. and i feel like i can't relate to any of them. im not like most guys either. i don't really do the typical bar club thing or anything else for that matter. ive been pushing people away the last 2 years. the only girl i ever trusted hates my guts and is happy without me. but to be honest ill suffer as much as i could if i knew she was truely happy. im tired of feeling like im selfish and from now on im just going to try to put other people ahead of me and my own needs. things will have to work out.
i just wish i knew the right path to take but i guess thats the whole point of life. you have to figure it out for youself, you have to make your mistakes and learn from them. i have to pick myself up after i fall, and keep picking myself up, and never quit.
October 14th, 2006
i honestly feel like im going to be alone for a while now. and this is something i just have to deal with, get over it and handle. theres nothing i can really do about it. it seems like everyone around me, is happy in a relationship and has someone that really makes them happy.
i just wish i had that. but i guess its too much to ask for. i just can't get over the fact that i'm 23 and barely know what a real relationship is like. it just puts me down sometimes, that's all.
i wish i had someone that i could make happy.
it would be nice.
i just have too much trouble with girls. i just don't know how to pick the right ones, i don't know what im doing and if i do, i'll just fuck it up.
all i can say is oh well. i can't force things my direction or my way. i just have to go with the flow. try to focus on something else. i just put too much emphasis on this and i don't know why.
it all boils down to love. and its one of the most important things i wish i can have.
and all i can say to one specific person is that i'm sorry i let you down. and im sorry if you thought i was an asshole, or not a good kid. and this isn't the typical im sorry because im honestly done with taking the blame for everything. everything is not my fault and it will never truely be 100 percent my fault but it doesn't mean i don't know what mistake's ive made this year. i just need to need what to do to move foward and be a better person.
i don't want to be like that. even though i felt i got like that in a certain point this year. everyone seems happy without me in their life, and i guess its just for the better.
no matter how much i get hurt by other girls or certain girls, i just want to be the nice, sweet boy.
October 10th, 2006
|02:36 pm - best day ever - birthday!|
So, my birthday was honestly one of the best day's i've ever had in long long time. I really had so much fun and have everyone at my job to thank for it. To be honest, i didn't get the one thing i really really wanted, which was to just get a hello and a happy birthday from one specific person. All i wanted was a hi and maybe a happy birthday and it would of been the best ever. i guess i don't even deserve a happy birthday. either way, i still miss this person.
Anyway, the day was really good because after work, basically my entire department came out for drinks. My boss even skipped some AOL party thing to come out drinking, and everything thought he was going to leave after the first bar, but came out to the second afterwords. We went to harmoney view, across from our building at 1633 Broadway. then after that, we went to Fiddlesticks around 14th street. So many people from work were there. Everyone was telling me how much im liked becuase they've never seen so many people come out for one person. that made me feel so good. I remember my boss telling me that and me being drunk just saying "I just want to work and learn, thats all i want to do!" haha.
I know it was a good day and a good night because i didn't whine or complain once about any issue or any girl related problem ever. And when i get drunk i usually whine and get depressed, but this wasn't the case. I can honeslty say i just let loose and had fun. Although i don't know if drinking with your coworkers is a good thing, but who cares, i consider them friends and they drank too. Especially Jaime! ahhah. Me and her got so drunk that we were not coming back to Staten Island so we stayed at Heather and Elisa's Apartment. Heather works in Legal in MTV. Its so awesome because she's literally two blocks away from work. So me and jaime strolled out of bed at like 10:30 and went to work 5 minutes later. It was a fun night. Here are some pictures:
***And note: Contratary to belief, these girls in the pics are my friends from work so nothing is going on. i didn't hook up nor wanted too with anyone.
MTV Home Entertainment!
( Birthday!Collapse )
October 5th, 2006
its my birthday, yay.
lets hope its a good one.
i can safely say i only wish for one thing to get for today. and its not a physical gift or anything like that.
hope to have fun tonight with coworkers/friends.
then tomorrow im going to outback with friends. and hopefully by the end of the weekend i'll go see The Departed because that movie is going to be awesome.
everyone have a good day